self revelations
Tuesday, Feb. 10, 2004 - 5:01 PM

As most of you who are reading this already know, since almost all of you started reading this diary because of him, last night I ended my year long relationship with Ful. it was an extremely difficult decision that I already regret. I've been pining over the reasons for which I made this decision for a week now. I knew that I was unhappy, and although i came up with many reasons for my unhappiness, none of them made sense even to me. but, after a mostly sleepless night last night, and a short dream about this wonderful man, I think i finally discovered the true reason why i needed to end this relationship. I'm not ready to love someone so intensely. I tried to blame him and say that I didn't like decisions he was making, that I felt I was put on the back burner, when the truth is, I couln't handle someone loving me or me loving them that much. I am not prepared to be so emotionally vulnerable to anyone. Nobody is good enough for him in my eyes. I would want to physically harm people who I felt were taking advantage of him, when he was just goodnatured and gave himself willingly. I'm on such an emotional rollercoaster that it's gotten to the point where seeing him smile could elate me all day long, and the slightest disagreement would crush my heart for days. With him, I would take the most simple, arbitrary things so personally that I felt like I was going insane. And I am crazy. I'm an emotional basketcase. the last year of my life has been dedicated to him and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do now. And I'm scared. I pushed my priorities aside for him, because he was the only thing that made me happy, and subsequently, I became dependent on him. His world was my world. I knew months ago that I would not have any friends if it were not for his friends. I've been in a stage of limbo for the past year. But I don't want to be dependent on anyone, nor would I want anyone dependent on me. So I have to be alone now. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. I need to focus on making myself better so that I'm not so fucking insecure and can eventually appreciate someone loving me as much as Ful has loved me for the past year. I can't appreciate it because I don't understand why he loves me so much. When I look in a mirror, I see a pathetic lazy ass who hasn't done anything with his life. It sounds really cliche, and a lot of people (namely Ful's friends) are gonna get a good laugh from this, but i'm not ready to love someone, because I don't even like myself. (hahaha) I hope you all get that out of your system. But i've made the choice to change that about myself and I can only do that alone. So you can all curse me out, spit at the mention of my name all you want. but I believe I made the right decision for both of us. I have an obligation to fight for my happiness, and do what I have to do to keep a smile on my face. I can choose to be alone with the understanding that Ful will be okay, because he has such great friends, and I know that in time He will realize what I fuck up i am and laugh about all the stupid things I did during our relationship, what a neurotic head case I am and he'll wonder why he even bothered with me in the first place.

Ful: you did love me with all that you had, and you did everything you could for our relationship. And for that I will ALWAYS love you. It's not that it wasn't enough. I just can't handle it. I miss you.