playing the fool
Saturday, Oct. 25, 2003 - 11:42 PM

have any of you diarylanders ever written a four page entry, just to erase it cause it's just too personal and you don't want others to know that you are that vulnerable? most of my entries have been very humorous, non committal, and hopefully entertaining thus far. I have yet to include one that is "personal." Well this is my personal entry. read at your own risk. i'm in a rut. work is going okay, since i'm the new guy, but i'm used to being the suprestar who everyone turns to for answers. now i'm the schmuck who still trying to figure out what is going on. I got into an email argument with one of my closest friends and the way things look, I can close the book on said friendship. have any of you heard of "friendster.com?" well, for those fo you who have, I had 36 "friendsters," was connected to over half a million people, but had only two testimonials from my so called "friendsters." one was from my brother, the other from my boyfriend, who practically have to write one for me by law. no one wrote one out of sheer want. If you look into my ell phone history, you will see my boyfriends number....only. I don't know why I have this need for validation, but no one has made it apparent that they want my friendship. The only friends I have are the ones by association through my boyfriend or work. People who are FORCED into my company. If I don't call them...they don't call me. This plus the recent demise of my longlasting friendship has made me question my loyaties. If I stopped calling people, would i ever hear from these people again? so i decided to stop being a doormat and keeping tabs on everyone else and make myself the one whose too busy with life to keep contact, just to see if anyone would throw me a line for once. I deleted my friendster account to remove the desire to write others that I miss. Is that selfish? am i worthy of being missed? I try really hard to be a good friend. I wonder if it's good enough for anyone. Are my efforts all in vain? This isn't some attempt at an ego trip, to see how many people love me, I promise you that. This is an attempt to end the Sysifus (sp?) trials i feel i'm enduring. I would just rather know if I should focus my efforts more on myself, rather than those who get no use from me. otherwise I fear I play the fool. does anyone else need to feel like someone, anyone is happy to see/hear from them? Or am I just parinoid and needy? cause as of late, no one, not even family is happy to see me. fuck playing, I fear I am the fool.